Surrogacy counselling

Introduction

Not all prospective parents are able to carry a pregnancy of their own. Women who have completed their families but who want to help others may want to consider becoming surrogate mothers. However, it is important to know quite how much is involved in surrogacy.  

Surrogacy requires medical, legal psychological and social preparation for the intended parents, surrogate mothers and egg donors. Good preparation comprises several elements: 

  1. Gathering information about surrogacy
  2. Finding a surrogate/ intended parents
  3. The getting-acquainted stage
  4. Specialised Counselling
  5. Legal advice
  6. Taking decisions together on various matters
  7. Writing those decisions down in a surrogacy agreement 

 

Only once you've completed the entire preparatory stage and signed the surrogacy agreement can the surrogate try to get pregnant. 

This page looks at the importance of specialised counselling as you dive into a deeper preparatory stage. 

this page includes the following sections

Why talk to a specialised surrogacy counsellor?

Counselling during the in-depth exploration stage 

If after an extensive period of getting to know each other,you decide to take things further, you need to have some serious conversations. We recommend joint sessions with a specialised surrogacy counsellor to ensure you do this well.  

There are many things to think about and it's important you're on the same page. Only then can you make agreements for the present and the future that feel right for everyone.  

Sessions with a specialised surrogacy counsellor dive deep into: 

  • Discussions you've already had
  • Building and strengthening your relationship
  • Laying the foundations of a lifelong bond 

 

A lifelong bond

These conversations allow you to get to know each other better and improve trust. A good relationship, after the transfer of parenthood included, is essential to the wellbeing and attachment of the future child. 

Conversely, if you avoid having essential discussions, and neglect to raise doubts, expectations and everyone's needs, your future child will feel it and this may become a cause of conflicts of loyalty in the future.  

Partners 

You must include any partners of the surrogate or donor in these discussions. Their thoughts and expectations are also essential for open discussions.  

How can a specialised surrogacy counsellor help?

Sessions with a specialised surrogacy counsellor can help: 

  • Focus on the needs of the future child
  • Create an atmosphere in which you feel able to talk about what matters most
  • Bring everyone's thoughts, concerns and interests into the open
  • Help all parties give careful consideration to the decisions that need to be made
  • Enable you to find out more about the experience of other families  

 

Examples of subjects that need to be discussed 

  • The relationships of everyone involved
  • The motivation of the intended parents, surrogate and egg donor
  • The expectations of everyone involved
  • What if things don't go to plan?
  • What shared plans can you make for the pregnancy, birth and postpartum period?
  • Feeding after the birth
  • The roles of the surrogate and possible egg donor in the child's life
  • Parenting without being genetically connected
  • Talking to the child about surrogacy
  • Attachment
  • Dealing with prejudice, opinions and advice from the people around you 

 

For further topics of discussion and useful tools, please visit the page conversations between intended parents and surrogates

Who can benefit from counselling?

  • Counselling is intended for anyone involved in surrogacy. 
  • Intended parents
  • The surrogate and her partner, if she has one
  • The donor and her partner, if she has one
  • Possibly any other family members (for example, grandparents, the surrogate's own children or those of the egg donor) 

What happens in the sessions?

  • One or more sessions with the intended parents.
  • One or more sessions with the surrogate and her partner.
  • one or more sessions with the possible egg donor and her partner.
  • One or more sessions with everyone involved. 

 

It is sometimes useful to have additional sessions to explore a particular topic in greater depth. If the counsellor feels unable to handle particular subjects adequately, or suspects that one or more of the parties is struggling to cope, they may recommend taking the matter further in therapy. 

When should you have sessions with a specialised surrogacy counsellor?

It is a good idea to have one or more sessions with a counsellor: 

  • Before trying to get pregnant
  • During the pregnancy
  • After the child's birth 

 

How often you see the counsellor is dependent on your situation and your agreements with the counsellor. 

Issues

If issues arise around communication, expectations and/or contact, you need to discuss these together as soon as you possibly can. 

A session with a specialised surrogacy counsellor can help deal with challenges and restore communication.  

Are you concerned about your communication with one another, the division of care, or are you unable to understand each other's point of view? Then get in touch with a specialised surrogacy counsellor! 

Screening and counselling in the Netherlands

If you attend a Dutch fertility clinic for help with the surrogate mother becoming pregnant, the clinic will refer you to a counsellor for psychosocial counselling. The sessions will cover both screening and counselling. There's sometimes confusion around the differences between screening and counselling, so we have added an explanation below. 

Screening 

During screening, intended parents, surrogates and donors discuss: 

  • Mental health
  • Everyday functioning in everyday life
  • Relationship quality between partners
  • Social network
  • Motivation 

 

Intended parents are able to discuss their motivation for having child through surrogacy. They are also asked whether they have grieved being unable to carry a child of their own.  

The surrogate is asked about her reasons for becoming a surrogate and why she has decided to help these particular intended parents. It is important that everyone involved gets to make a voluntary choice of surrogacy without having their arm twisted. 

The wider family 

Most counsellors will take a systematic look at your future family. This means that you will talk about whether the intended parents, surrogate and potential donor have thought about how other family members will react to surrogacy. Any partners of the surrogate and possible egg donor will be included in this discussion. 

Who is screening for? 

The surrogacy clinic's responsibility extends beyond the care they provide for the intended parents, surrogates and donors, to the well-being of any future children. Therefore, they will assess whether there is any reason to suspect that surrogacy may prove physically, psychologically or socially harmful for anyone involved before the start of treatment. They will establish whether the child's well-being is of paramount importance to everyone involved. 

Counselling 

A specialised surrogacy counsellor can help you go into greater depth in your conversations. They ensure that you can talk openly and as equals about the many things that matter when you are considering having a child through surrogacy.  

The child's well-being is paramount during both screening and counselling. 

Specialised psychosocial surrogacy counselling

If you are looking for a specialised surrogacy counsellor, please visit:

 Counsellors specialised in surrogacy

Legal information 

As well as counselling, you must also take legal advice from a fanily lawyer specialised in surrogacy. They will be able to advise and guide you in taking legal decisions. They will also record your decisions in a surrogacy agreement.

More information

A major study into surrogacy counselling is currently under way in the Netherlands. Read more about it here:

 

Our knowledge bank contains further information, including (scholarly) articles on counselling. For example:

 

 

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