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Conversations between intended parents, surrogate parents and possible egg donor: how do you approach it?
Introduction
Intended parents need the help of a surrogate mother to fulfil their desire for children. As surrogate or possible egg donor you want to help people fulfil their desire for children. As Surrogate you want to carry their child and they will take over its care and upbringing after the birth.
Perhaps you've known each other for a long time because, for example, you're family, friends or good acquaintances. Perhaps you've only just met each other.
It doesn't matter how long you've known each other before you embark upon the process. When you consider surrogacy, you will reflect together on a form of parenthood which is likely new for all of you. If you'll also have to call upon the help of a donor; you must make time and space for her too. Using a donor and surrogate has extra consequences for the child. Find out more about donorconception at donorconceptie.nl.
You need to make time to prepare this journey together. This is important because:
- The decisions you make have consequences for the future child
- Once a child is born you will be connected for life
- You can handle setbacks better if you've got to know one another well and have carried out extensive discussion before pregnancy about everyone's expectations and ideas for the future.
Contents of this page:
Important decisions you need to take together before the pregnancy
When starting this shared journey, it is important to take joint decisions that will contribute to the health and happiness of the future child. These decisions don't only affect your personal situation but also influence the foundation you're building together for the child.
The decisions you take need to feel good for everyone. Openness and honesty have a major role to play in discussions about surrogacy. If doubts and concerns are not raised at this stage, they later cause tensions in your shared relationship. It's often the children who suffer the consequences the most.
If you start out with clear and respectful communication, you'll improve your chances of a warm and stable foundation – for you and the child.
Find out more about what surrogacy can mean for the future child.
Always ask yourself this question: will I feel good explaining the decisions we are making now to a child at a later date?
Sjors
Counsellor and father of children born with the assistance of surrogacy
You stay connected to each other, even after the birth
A surrogacy process is a lengthy journey. The journey does not end with the transfer of the care of the child. When a child is born you are connected for life. You gain a family from it, so to speak.
What I very much want to say to intended parents considering surrogacy is: think of the surrogate mother's family. A surrogate mother does not come in isolation. She never comes in isolation.
Liesl
Her mother was a surrogate mother twice
What if things don't go to plan?
A surrogacy process is not an easy journey. It can turn out differently than how you expect, feelings can change and there can be setbacks too. Then you need to talk to each other again and you need to adapt the path you are on. This is what makes good preparation so important.
To do this together, you need to be able to trust each other. You can increase the trust through thorough preparation of the surrogacy process and the subsequent period once the care of the child is handed over. Good preparation ensures:
- That you share greater resilience to get over the setbacks you'll encounter in any surrogacy process.
- It also increases the chances that everyone will be able to look back on the surrogacy process with a feeling of satisfaction.
How to have good and honest discussions with each other
During your preparatory discussions, it is important to pay attention to:
- The child's interests
- Openness
- Trust
- Space for everyone's points of view
- Space for everyone's feelings
- Take time
During this preparatory stage, It is important to see each other frequently and talk intensively. It is also a good idea to alternate intensive talks with light-hearted activities so that you get to know each other in different situations.
A counsellor specialised in surrogacy
A counsellor specialised in surrogacy can help you to go into greater depth in your preparatory talks (surrogacy counseling).
Even if you don't need hospital assistance to get pregnant it's important that everyone talks to everyone (intended parents, surrogate and her partner and any donor and her partner) with a counsellor specialised in surrogacy.
Allow everyone enough time to really get to know each other
There's a lot that needs talking about. It's important to see each other frequently. Plan to meet several times because you can't talk about everything in a single evening.
When it's better not to embark on this process together
If you're unable to meet the above conditions for your conversations, or if there's too much on which you can't see eye to eye, it may be best to put an end to the surrogacy journey together.
Make transparent agreements. Be open and honest about what you expect from each other before embarking upon this process. It is better to have a big fight about some things before bringing a child into it. And come to the conclusion that this is not the right surrogate or not the right couple (of intended parents)
Jermain
born with the help of a surrogate
Also involve any existing children in the process
The intended parents, surrogate and possible donor may already have children. Don't forget to include them in the process.
- Talk to you children on their level.
- Let your children meet everyone else involved (intended parents and their family, surrogate and their family, egg donor and her family).
- Answer their questions about what your plans as adults are with openness and honesty.
A counsellor specialised in surrogacy can help you think about what you want to share with the children and how you can involve them in your process in a sensitive manner.
Helpful discussion tools
Discussion charts: Are you more visually oriented? Then the discussion chart on this website can be a handy tool. Follow the path and discuss the various topics using the pictures.
Chatlist (in Dutch): The chat list is a handy fill-in booklet that everyone completes individually. Afterwards, you can discuss the different answers with each other. This allows you to open up each other's expectations and reach a joint decision on various topics.
Questions game about surrogacy: This question game consists of separate cards, each with a question. You can ask these questions to each other, or everyone can answer them. The game helps you get to know each other better and discuss various topics regarding surrogacy.
Discussion charts
Abroad
The surrogate mother is pregnant with the intended mother's egg
The next discussion chart is being developed:
- discussion chart: the surrogate mother is pregnant with a donor egg (abroad)
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Chatlist
Questions game
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Another way to start the conversation is the question game for intended parents and surrogate parents about surrogacy. For more information about the game and how to order it, see:
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