I want to become a surrogate mother

Introduction

You are considering becoming a surrogate. Or you want to know what's involved in surrogacy. Perhaps because you know some prospective parents who you'd like to help fulfil their desire for a child. Or because you'd like to experience (another) pregnancy, but don't want any more children of your own.

Various aspects of surrogacy

Surrogacy is an intense process encompassing a great many ethical, psychosocial, medical, legal, financial and practical matters. If you are considering surrogacy, be sure to get properly informed so you can make sound decisions. You can find information about various aspects of surrogacy on this website.

Talk to the people closest to you

If you're considering surrogacy, be sure to discuss it with your inner circle, for example, your partner, your children you may have and other people close to you. What do they think about you wanting to become a surrogate? Sometimes people need some time to get used to the idea. If you want to embark upon this process, you need to have people in your inner circle who support you.

Also see the stories of a:

Surrogate's partner (in Dutch) My mother became a surrogate (in Dutch)  

Or read these tips for surrogates (in Dutch) from a child whose mother became a surrogate or the story of a mother of a surrogate (in Dutch)

Forms of surrogacy

There are various types of surrogacy. 

• Traditional surrogacy or low-tech surrogacy or genetic surrogacy
  • As a surrogate, you then become pregnant using your own egg. Half of the child's DNA is the same as your DNA.
  • You can get pregnant through self-insemination.
  • The risks associated with pregnancy and birth are then just as great as if you were to get pregnant again to fulfil your own desire for a child.
• High-tech surrogacy or non-genetic surrogacy
  • As a surrogate, you get pregnant with the egg of the intended mother or a donor. In this case, the child doesn't have any of your DNA.
  • You can only get pregnant with the intended mother's or a donor's egg through IVF or ICSI treatment. You need to do this at a fertility clinic.
  • The risks during pregnancy and birth are greater than if you were to become pregnant again using your own egg to fulfill your desire to have children.

There will be no difference in the child's attachment to you, their surrogate mother, whether you do or don't share DNA. You are important to the child in either case.

You may weel know already which type of surrogacy would suit you best. The stories and experiences of other surrogates can help you form a better picture of what the different types of surrogacy may represent for you in both the short and long term.

Surrogacy counselling

Good preparation matters if you want to become a surrogate mother. If a child is born you will be connected to the child and their parents for life. Don't only think about what this will mean for you, but also what it'll mean for your family and friends.

• What do you want and expect from this process?
  • prior to pregnancy
  • during pregnancy
  • during the birth and in the post-partum period?
  • And after that, for the rest of the child's life?

If you're sure that you want to become a surrogate, it's important to find the right intended parent. These could be people that you already know (family, friends or an acquaintance). You could also embark on the surrogacy process with someone you've only just met.

Once you've done your own research, you need to take plenty of time with the intended parents to prepare for surrogacy. 

We advise to have also conversations in the presence of a counsellor experienced in surrogacy. You could consult a counsellor before talking to prospective parents if you are considering becoming a surrogate. 

If you are considering surrogacy for prospective parents you don't yet know, it's important to get to know each other well (not exclusively in the context of surrogacy) and to see if you can agree on all the different aspects of surrogacy.

Contact with the child

Surrogacy is not only about pregnancy. It's preceded by a complicated process. There's a lot you need to weigh up with the intended parents and possibly a donor too. Also see: Intended parents, surrogate parents and possible donor in dialogue.

Surrogate's role

Your role as a surrogate doesn't stop at the birth. As a surrogate, you remain part of the child's family and origins. It's important to ensure the child is given enough space to develop their relationship with you and your family, if you have one. Think it over, discuss it with the intended parents and put what you've agreed in writing before getting pregnant. Surrogacy entails a lifelong bond with a child and their family.

Children tell their stories

Read and listen to the stories of children born with the help of a surrogate mother. Jermain (in Dutch) and Gee share how important it is to them to know their surrogate mother. They can contact her themselves and ask questions.

Shari (in Dutch) did not know she was born with the help of a surrogate mother until she was 11 years old. Hearing about the surrogate mother later has had a significant impact on her.