My mother is a surrogate or wants to become one for intended parents

You are a child and your mother is a surrogate mother for someone else. Or wants to become a surrogate. What does this mean for you? 

If your mother tells you that she is a surrogate or wants to become one, you'll probably have a lot of questions:

• What'll it be like when your mother's pregnant? What'll happen at the birth and afterwards?
• What does this mean for you? Will you get a half-brother or -sister? What'll the child's role in your life be?
• Will you have contact with the intended parents? Perhaps you know them already or would like to get to know them? Does is feel easy or awkward, and what makes it awkward?
• How do you go about telling your friends and classmates?

Perhaps you're worried or find it weird or dumb. Or perhaps you're actually proud of your mother. It's important to talk to your parents about this. If your parents find this hard, they or you could approach a specialised counsellor or family therapist for help together. Or from someone else you trust, like a teacher at school.

Contact with other children in the same situation can also be helpful. They know what it's like to have a mother who's a surrogate; they understand and can give you tips and advice. You can get in contact with other children born with a surrogate's assistance through the Zwanger Voor Een Ander (Pregnant for someone else) foundation. They organise regular picnics for children whose mother is a surrogate or wants to become one, for example. 

Perhaps you'd like to get to know the intended parents (better). So that you can ask them questions about why they want to have a child with your mother's assistance, what's going to happen after the birth and whether you'll be able to visit the baby afterwards. Perhaps they'll let you go to an ultrasound or show you the baby's nursery. 

When your mother starts developing a baby bump, your classmates, friends and teacher may start asking questions. Are you going to have a brother or sister? How can you explain it to them? You can talk to your parents about what to say. They or a teacher can help you with this. If you want to, you could also give a talk about surrogacy to your classmates so that the children understand about it better. 

My mother is a surrogate

Liesl's mother carried two pregnancies for two male couples. 

• What was this like for Liesl? 
• And what tips does she have for the surrogate and intended parents?

Watch the video with Liesl's or read her story.

Recommended viewing:

The mother in this episode of Dutch TV programme De faker op vakantie is both pregnant and a surrogate. The children explain how that works.