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Opting for surrogacy
If you want to have a child but are unable to become pregnant, having a child with a surrogate's assistance may be a solution. It can be hard to imagine upfront everything that this might entail. For you, the intended parents, for your child, for your future family and for the surrogate. The surrogate and her family (and possibly an egg donor too) will all be involved in your family.
Various aspects of surrogacy
There are ethical, psychosocial, medical, legal and financial aspects to deciding upon surrogacy. It's important to get properly informed about these before embarking on a surrogacy journey, so that you can make well-considered decisions. You can find information about various aspects of surrogacy on this website. During this orientation, it can be helpful to learn about other people's stories and experiences.
- Experiences of (intended)parents (in Dutch)
- Experiences of surrogates (in Dutch)
- Experiences of familie members of surrogates (in Dutch)
- Ervaringen van kinderen (in Dutch)
Alternatives
Also consider alternative family structures. It sometimes proves impossible to find a suitable surrogate or to fulfil a desire for a child with a surrogate's assistance.
Equality of everyone involved
During a surrogacy process, the interests of everyone involved must be safeguarded on the basis of equality. Those of the child, the intended parents, the surrogate and the egg donor, if there is one. As intended parents, you need not only to tend to your own interests and desire to have a child, but also the interests of the child and everyone else involveed in this process. Not only during the surrogacy journey itself, but also throughout the child's life. It's also important to be able to explain your decisions to your child later.
It is therefore important that you, as intended parents, surrogate mother, and potential egg donor, have conversations with each other during the preparation. For tips on how to conduct that conversation, see Conversation between intended parents, surrogate parents, and egg donor.
Surrogacy counselling
At every step of the way throughout your orientation you need to be able to talk to a specialised counsellor who can provide you with information, think along with you and ask questions that hadn't even crossed your mind.
Forms of surrogacy
There are various types of surrogacy. Surrogacy using the surrogate's egg, surrogacy with the intended mother's egg and surrogacy with a donated egg. You may already be clear about the type of surrogacy you'd prefer. For example, because you either do or don't have your own eggs. What are the implications of this choice for the child? What's it like for a child to have both a surrogate mother and an egg donor or donor mother? What's it like for a child to not be genetically related to one of their parents?What does this mean for the attachment of the child, for example? As a parent, it'll soon be your job to guide your child through this and provide answers to their questions.
Surrogate's role
As a prospective parent looking into surrogacy there's a lot to think about. How will things be during pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period? However far away it may seem, it's also important to think about the period beyond that. What role will the surrogate and her family have in your family life? What role will any egg donor and her family have in your family life? These people are involved in the creation of your family; they have a place in your family system.
A child has a right to know its origins and information about their ancestry. It's important for a child to know who their surrogate mother is and to have the space and freedom to shape their relationship with their surrogate mother and her family. The same is true of any egg donor.
As a parent, it's your job to guide your child here. The relationship you enter into with the surrogate mother and possible donor extends beyond the pregnancy. You can make agreements about it in advance.
It's important to continually adapt to one another and to the future child in this regard. It can also be a good idea after the pregnancy to talk to a counsellor who can provide you with guidance here.
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