I was born with a surrogate's assistance

What place does my surrogate have in my life?

You are a child born with the assistance of a surrogate. You may have known your surrogate mother all your life and always been in contact with her. Or your surrogate mother may live far away and you're not in contact.

Whatever the case, you may have a lot of questions. Questions about your surrogate's place in your life. For example:

• Who is my surrogate mother? Why did she become my surrogate mother?
• What does your surrogate mother mean to you? How do you talk about her? What's her role in your life? How do your parents react?
• Is there any contact? Would you like to have more or less contact, or a different sort of contact? Does it feel relaxed or awkward?
• If you want to build a relationship with your surrogate mother, how do you go about it?
   

If your parents chose a known surrogate, they may have had a surrogacy agreement drawn up. A document recording the details of how they foresaw things. Ask them about it. What can you do as a child if it includes details that you would have preferred to be different?

If contact with your surrogate doesn't happen in the way you would like, or if your parents struggle with it, then they, or you together, can seek out the help of a family therapist, a specialised counsellor or a professional with expert experience.

Contact with other children born with a surrogate mother's help can also prove helpful: they know what it's like to be the child of a surrogate mother; they understand you and can give you tips and advice. You can get in touch with other children born with a surrogate's assistance through the Zwanger voor een Ander (Pregnant for someone else) foundation. They regularly organise picnics for children of surrogates, for example. 

Also an egg donor?

There may also have been an egg donor as well as the surrogate mother who helped your parents to have you. So the above questions don't apply exclusively to contact with the surrogate and her family. But also for the egg donor and hers.

You can find out more about egg donation and being a donor child from the National information point for donor conception. Stichting Donorkind (the Donor Child Foundation) can help you meet other donor children.