Talking about surrogacy

It's important to tell a child that they were born with a surrogate's help and possibly an egg donor's too. Children have a right to know about their parentage and origins. Most parents know this. They genuinely want to talk to their child about it in the right way, but wonder how to go about it, and when to share what information.

How should I talk to my child about surrogacy?

Parents sometimes find it awkward to talk about surrogacy. You can practise and get used to it from pregnancy or even before by talking to your nearest and dearest about surrogacy. By gaining confidence in your words and story, you should find it easier to talk to your child about it after their birth.

Safe practice

From birth onwards you can tell your baby that they came into the world with the help of a surrogate mother and maybe an egg donor too. Your child won't yet understand what a surrogate or a donor is, just like they won't understand a lot of other things you say. That doesn't matter. 

It allows you to practise telling your child safely and ensures no secrets arise. The more often you do it, the more familiar it will feel, and your child will grow accustomed to it. You'll get better and better at choosing the right words. This way, your child will find talking about surrogacy and donor conception totally normal. There won't be any secrets and it'll be something your child will always have known about. 

By talking about surrogacy from the very start, you'll need never wonder: when am I going to say it? You'll create an atmosphere of openness from the very beginning. That builds trust. When children grow up like this, they feel empowered to ask their own questions about surrogacy and donor conception.

Picture books can also be a helpful way to raise the topic with your child. 

• Logeren in een buik (Dutch)
• Teddy's daddies
• Een bijzonder gewoon gezin (Dutch)

Keep talking

It's important to keep on talking about surrogacy, even when your child gets older. When parents raise the topic from time to time, they invite their child to do the same. They'll feel safe asking questions.

As they grow up, your child will often find new things to ask. It's good for them to feel that their parents get this and are open to talking about it. The more natural it becomes to talk to your child about surrogacy and donor conception, the stronger you'll feel to face the outside world. And so will your child.

At school

From the first year of primary school, you can decide to tell the teacher that you had your child with a surrogate's help. You don't need to provide any details beyond that you talk about it at home. 

Then, if your child mentions it at school, the teacher won't be taken by surprise. That's better for your child. The teacher can also help explain things if other children don't understand about it properly.

What should I say about surrogacy?

When discussing surrogacy and donor conception, tailor what you say to your child's understanding. You can tell a young child about a surrogate (and maybe an egg donor) who helped you. If you've told your child about surrogacy from the outset, as they get older, they'll ask questions spontaneously.

Young children

You don't need to talk to young children about eggs and sperm and a doctor's assistance. Just like you don't need to go into detail with young children about how you get pregnant through sex. 

You can simply tell your child that a surrogate or donor helped you. For example: 'when we wanted to have a baby, we couldn't do it together. So a surrogate mother helped us. We're very happy about that'.

The 'technical side' of surrogacy and donor conception will come up naturally when children start asking questions about pregnancy. You can then tell your child how they were conceived and grew in the surrogate's womb.

Older children

As children grow older, the surrogate can take on another role. Children will ask more questions. Such as about pregnancy and birth or about the characteristics they may share with the donor, and whether the donor and surrogate have children of their own. Your child may want to get in touch with them, and/or rebel against you as parents. That's a normal part of growing up and doesn't mean your child is rejecting you. 

Puberty is an important phase in identity development. Knowing more about the donor can be helpful: 'Do I look like him/her? What characteristics and talents did I get from him/her?'. Always be honest and share what you do and don't know.

Teenagers can say mean things to their parents when they're angry. That doesn't mean that they've stopped loving them. Only that they are going through puberty, separating from their parents and becoming adults, just like you probably did yourself.

Children are very loyal to their parents. They can really sense if their parents dread them wanting to know who their surrogate or donor is, or wanting to get in touch with them. A child may then try to reassure his parent(s). Or say that they're not interested in their surrogate or donor, when they actually are. 

It's best for children when their parents support them unconditionally in what's important to them. Therefore, during this phase, it's also important to continue talking openly about surrogacy and donor conception within the family.

Talking to people close to you

Who should you tell that you went for surrogacy (and maybe donor conception)? Everyone needs to make their own decisions; there's no right or wrong here. But if you don't talk to anyone about it, the secrecy may make you feel isolated. 

Some people only talk to close family and friends about their surrogacy decision. Others are more open and also tell their colleagues or people from their sport's club. Above all, it's important to begin by telling the people who you know will be supportive. Sometimes people close to you need to get used to the idea. Just like you.

Think in advance about what you want to say. For example, you may want close relatives to know about your choice for surrogacy without keeping them updated on the progress of treatment. You can also choose not to say anything until you're actually pregnant.

More information

You can also find a lot more tips and information from the National information point for donor conception.

Much of this guidance is also relevant to talking about surrogacy.