When it comes to surrogacy, who counts as family?

Having a child with the assistance of a surrogate (and maybe an egg donor), means that one of the parents in a two-parent family may not have blood ties to the child. And, the child having family beyond its own nuclear family can raise questions, such as:

• does the parent who doesn't share a genetic link to the child feel themselves less of a 'real' parent?
• does the child feel greater love and attachment to the parent with whom they share blood ties?
• is the surrogate also part of the family?
• is the egg donor family too?
• how can you talk about surrogacy and donor conception without hurting anyone's feelings?

Different sorts of family

Genetic ties aren't the only way of being family. You can also become family by growing up together, providing mutual care, loving one another and sharing unique experiences. In families created through surrogacy, various types of family exist alongside and intertwined with one another. Every type is of value.

In the 21st century, great value is still attached to the family ties of genetic kinship. Family are the people with whom you share blood ties. People you look like. How often do you hear comments about a child along the lines of: 'he is the spitting image of his father', or 'she's got her mother's eyes'? 

In families created through surrogacy (and or donor conception), it's sometimes different. For example, one of the parents may lack a biological link to the child. This doesn't mean that they feel that they are less of a family. A parent-child bond is about love, trust and security and therefore is more than a genetic link alone. 

When it comes to surrogacy, the child is in some cases genetically related to the surrogate and in others not. Even when the surrogate is not genetically related to the child, she still has an important role in the child's origins. It's important to give the child space to allow their surrogate mother a role in their life. The same is true of the surrogate's own children too. They may also feel attached to the child and part of their family.

The egg donor's place

A donor child has a donor mother in addition to the family in which they grow up. And they may have half-brothers and half-sisters as a result. Their biological family extends beyond the family in which they grow up.

Even if the donor's identity is not (yet) known – or the donor is not geographically close – it's still important for them to have a place in the family. That means that the donor can be talked about, and the child can ask questions and receive honest answers.

Looking for the right words

It's sometimes difficult to find the right words to talk about someone's position. What is the role of the surrogate in the child's life? And how about that of the egg donor? What is their position vis-à-vis the parents who are bringing the child up? 

This often seems less complicated to children than it does to their parents. A child can often express very clearly how things are for them. The significance of the relationship they have with someone matters here. For example, they may find it easy to have two fathers or two mothers, who are both real fathers and mothers for them. 

The words used for traditional family relationships are not always suited to families after surrogacy. This shows how the boundaries of 'who is family' are shifting. This may feel awkward, but by speaking to each other about it openly, the surrogate and donor can increasingly become part of the family. And children help here providing there is openness.