The parent-child bond is founded on love, security and trust. And that takes honesty and openness about surrogacy (and donor conception). Further, knowing your parentage is a human right.
For every choice you make about surrogacy, you need to consider what's best for your future child. Article 3 of the United Nations' Convention on the Rights of the Child states that children have the right for all actions concerning them to be made with their best interests as the primary consideration.
Articles 7 and 21of the United Nations' Convention on the Rights of the Child state that children have a right to know the identity of their (biological) parents. Whether in the future, a child actually decides to find out the identity of their surrogate or egg donor is up to the child themselves. Some do and some don't while others only want to find out at a later stage of life. The wish to know can change over the course of a lifetime. Like, for example, when someone has children of their own.
To allow children to exercise this right, their parents need to have told them that they were born with the help of a surrogate (and e possible egg donor).
Good attachment matters to all children. This means that a child born with a surrogate's assistance needs to be allowed space for their surrogate mother and possible donor.
The child's needs are the determining factor here. A child should be able to ask their parent(s) anything they want about their origins, surrogate and possible donor. The child should be free to build a relationship with everyone involved in their origins.
If parents do not tell their child about surrogacy or donor conception, they are keeping a secret from their child. Secrets about anything as major as origins and parentage affect family relationships. Studies have shown that secrets like these are distressing to families and can harm parent-child relationships.
When parents try to keep surrogacy secret, they're ofren afraid of their secret being revealed. This can cause stress and tensions within their relationship. Children who grow up in a family with secrets like this and the tensions that accompany them, often feel that something's not quite right. Children may then think, for example, that they are in some way to blame.
When surrogacy and/or donor conception are kept secret, there's always chance hat the child discovers their origins in an intended and distressing way. Whether from an aunt or a neighbour, through a row between their parents or a DNA test from an international DNA databank.
Not only is this painful for everyone, but it is also detrimental to trust. It can cause the child to develop insecure attachment. It draws them into an inner battle (conflict of loyalties)
De wereld rondom draagmoederschap staat niet stil. Wil je op de hoogte blijven van relevante onderzoeken, nieuws en actuele ervaringen? Schrijf je in voor onze nieuwsbrief.
