Becoming a surrogate mother for your sister or brother: what does that entail? Meaning, challenges, and experiences

Introduction

Sometimes you witness firsthand how difficult an unfulfilled desire for children is for your sister or brother and their partner. 

Pregnancy is not always possible. For example, because your sister or your brother's partner was born without a uterus, because the uterus was removed after a serious illness, or because a pregnancy could be life-threatening due to medical risks. Surrogacy may also be a wish when your brother has a male partner. 

Perhaps you have children of your own, and your family feels complete. You know how special it is to be a parent. That is precisely why you might wish that for them as well. That thought can raise a profound question: would you be willing to be a surrogate mother for your sister or brother and their partner? 

But what does that actually mean? What is expected of you, your sister or brother, and their partners regarding surrogacy? And what does such a choice mean for the family around you? 

Being a surrogate for family: a lifelong bond

Surrogacy involves a great deal. When a child is born, you, as intended parents and surrogate parents, are connected to each other for life through that child. 

As sisters or brother and sister, you already have a bond with each other, so that seems easy. However, the love for each other and your relationship can be strengthened through surrogacy. This is also possible if you, as surrogate mother and intended parents, are related in another way, for example, being a surrogate for your niece or nephew, or perhaps for your daughter or son. 

If you are related in another way as intended parent and surrogate mother, much of the information on this page will also apply to you. Nevertheless, completely different aspects can come into play in certain family relationships. Consider, for example, a mother who is a surrogate for her daughter. 

If you are related, it is important to be guided by a counselor specializing in surrogacy. They can help you discuss aspects that are important for your situation

Which form of surrogacy?

An important choice is which form of surrogacy you are considering? 

There are two forms of surrogacy: 

• Becoming pregnant using your own egg as a surrogate mother: genetic, traditional, or low-tech surrogacy using the sperm of your sister's or brother's male partner. 
• Becoming pregnant using your sister-in-law's egg or donor: high-tech or non-genetic surrogacy using your brother's sperm or your sister's or brother's male partner. 

The choice will depend on whether your sister or your brother's partner has eggs available of their own or not. A pregnancy using your sister-in-law's egg or donor carries more risks for you as a surrogate mother than a pregnancy using your own egg, even if you are related. Please also see the medical page for more information. 

Finally 

Please note! Becoming pregnant using your egg and your brother's sperm entails serious medical risks. 

Reasons to become a surrogate for your brother or sister?

The reasons for being a surrogate mother for your sister or brother can be the same as for any surrogate mother. 

• You know firsthand how beautiful it is to become a parent and wish this for someone else as well. 
• You really enjoy being pregnant or giving birth, but your own desire for children has been fulfilled. 

Additional reasons to become a surrogate mother for your sister could be: 

• Because you have witnessed your sister's medical history. Together with your sister, you are making a stand against her illness, which has so many consequences. 
• If you become pregnant using your own egg, there is also a genetic bond between the child and your sister through the family. 
• As a surrogate mother, you are already part of your sister's family; this makes the bond easier from the child's perspective, provided communication is and remains good. 

Additional reasons to want to be a surrogate mother for your brother: 

• You witness your brother's struggle up close and want to help him start a family. 
• If you become pregnant using your own egg (and a sperm cell from your brother's male partner), there is also a genetic link between the child and your brother through you. 
• As a surrogate mother, you are already part of your brother's family; this makes the bond with the child easier later on, provided communication is and remains good. 

Trust

Because you grew up as sisters or brother and sister, you may think alike on many matters. This can feel familiar and safe. This can make the preparatory phase much easier. 

Challenges

As a sister, you experience your sister's or brother's grief over an unfulfilled desire for children up close. As a sister, you may feel obligated to be a surrogate mother for your brother or sister. As a sister, it is very important that you thoroughly investigate the source of your motivation to be a surrogate mother for your sister or brother. 

As sisters or sister and brother, you know each other well. You may think alike on many matters. However, you may think differently about certain issues, which can actually make your relationship more complicated. It is possible that you unconsciously make assumptions about each other, precisely because you think you know each other so well. 

Being a surrogate mother for your sister or brother will not only change your relationship. It will also have consequences for the relationship with other family members, such as parents or other siblings. 

If you change your mind as a surrogate mother, this can negatively affect the relationship with your sister or brother. If a successful pregnancy does not occur or no child is born, this could also potentially impact your relationship. You may have other siblings besides the brother or sister who wishes to have a child carried by you. This process can also have an impact on the existing family. It is good to discuss this consciously and openly within the family(ies). 

There is a risk if you, as sisters, decide together to pursue surrogacy that you involve your partners too late. They may then feel less free to express their doubts and fears. Therefore, always discuss this possibility with your partner first. Equality between all key parties involved is important in this regard. 

It is important for you to be aware that you are entering into a lifelong bond with all those involved. This means, for example, that if you carry a child using the sperm of your sister or brother's partner, you will always have to deal with each other through the future child. Even if their relationship ends, a bond remains between you, your brother or sister, as well as his or her ex-partner. 

It can sometimes be a challenge to figure out who to share what with, because by doing so, you can also say something about the process your brother or sister is going through.  

The language you use with each other and the child can sometimes be a challenge. Socially, you have a need to fulfill the role of aunt, but you are also the person who carried the baby, and you share that same bond with the future child. You may even be genetically related to the child if you carried it using your own egg. Additionally, you have to deal with your legitimate children and family members who may also be struggling with the language. Think of terms such as surrogate mother, surrogate aunt, aunt, mother, nephew, niece, half-brother, half-sister, etc. 

It is therefore important to think carefully about when you share what within and outside your family, as this can have a significant impact on the identity development of your existing children and the future child. You can discuss this with a counselor. 

The outside world may also have an opinion about you being a surrogate mother for your brother or sister. 

Going through surrogacy together will change the bond between you and your sister or brother. This can be positive or negative. If a surrogacy arrangement does not go as agreed beforehand, this can cause extra tension in your relationship. It is important to thoroughly discuss as many outcomes as possible with each other. 

Conversations

It is important that the atmosphere during the preparatory conversations is open: 

• Can you discuss differences with each other in complete openness? 
• Is there room for everyone's point of view? 
• Does everyone involved have an equal footing? 
• Can feelings of jealousy, guilt, or tension be discussed, or do you conceal these precisely because you do not want to hurt the other person? 

A closed atmosphere and avoiding topics will cause more problems in the long run than they solve in the short term. 

On this website, you will find several tools that can help you with your conversation: 

• Discusion charts 

• Chatlist 

• Question game 

Guidance from others

Even though you have known each other your whole life, it is very important to make agreements that are clear to everyone. It is important to seek guidance from third parties in this matter. It is particularly important within a family bond to maintain good relationships, especially for everyone who is already part of the family and also for the future child. 

Psychosociale aspecten: Counseling

A counselor specializing in surrogacy can guide you through preparatory conversations. They can bring up topics that you might not think of yourselves or perhaps do not dare to talk about. It is also important that you discuss with each other how you will treat one another if the process does not go as you hope. 

Counseling on surrogacy explains what you can expect from counseling. 

Legal advice

Also seek legal advice from a family law attorney specializing in surrogacy. It is important that you and your partner are advised by a different attorney who represents your brother or sister and his/her partner. 

Under their guidance, you will draw up a surrogacy agreement together. If as many agreements as possible are clear, the chance of problems afterwards is smaller. Only when there is a surrogacy agreement that can be supported by everyone will it be signed by everyone. Only start trying to get pregnant after everyone has signed the agreement. 

Financial aspects

Make agreements in advance regarding the reimbursement of costs incurred by the surrogate mother and any family members in connection with the surrogacy. Ensure that this is also very clear. 

Seek advice on which insurance policies are necessary in the context of the surrogacy. 

On the surrogacy costs page, you will find a list of costs you may encounter in a surrogacy arrangement. 

Asking for help and setting boundaries

As sisters or brother and sister, you share a bond for years. The danger is that you start assuming a lot for each other. It is also possible that you would like to maintain a good relationship and therefore feel that you cannot express everything that affects you or that you need. It may be difficult for a surrogate mother to ask for help when things get too much, but also to indicate your limits. 

As a parent of a child born with the help of your sister as a surrogate mother, it can also be difficult to find a good balance between contact and your own boundaries. 

It is important to always stay in communication with each other: during the preparation, getting pregnant, pregnancy, and certainly after birth and for the rest of the child's life.

Experience stories 

Read Jimi's (in Dutch) story. She was pregnant for her sister Puck 

Watch the story of Lisa and Martijn. Liza is the sister of Martijn's partner. 

Read the story of Esther and Ellen; Esther and Ellen are sisters-in-law. 

Conclusion

Being a surrogate mother for your brother or sister and their partner is a special choice based on the loving bond that already exists. The bond you already share can make it easier to talk about certain topics. Because of this bond, you may sometimes fail to clearly see or articulate certain influences on each other, even though this is very important when making choices regarding surrogacy. 

As sisters or brother and sister in a surrogacy arrangement, it is equally important that you carefully consider all decisions. The choices you make affect not only your relationship but also the life of the future child and other relationships within your family. Always seek guidance from a counselor and a family law attorney, both specializing in surrogacy. 

If you, as sisters or as brother and sister, prepare well for surrogacy, it can deepen and strengthen your bond.